i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
