hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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