If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
