I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
