chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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