Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize
