Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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