you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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