You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
