I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
