Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
my liver is dry heaving
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
