Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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