Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
