"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
