Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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