is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Randomize
