There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
