i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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