id be glad to
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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