Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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