Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
