Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Randomize
