so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
