2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
as a side note pls kill me
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
