Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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