you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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