Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I've blown a few things in my day
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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