I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
