Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
so let's talk penis.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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