I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
