I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
