dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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