Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
