I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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