i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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