Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
