Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
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