he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
