somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
