Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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