hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
