i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
