Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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