he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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