I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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