i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize