Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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