she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
