did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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