Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
