It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
