that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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